25 December 2005

Ho Ho Ho, Happy Hannukkah

I have something to tell Bill "Falafel Factor" O'Reilly: you're right, there is a War on Saturnalia Christmas. As you constantly remind us, there is a massive conspiracy of liberal secular communist Jews, led by Jon Stewart, intent on destroying the pagan solstice celebration baby Jesus' birthday.

But, Mr. O'Reilly, you underestimate the deviousness of The International Jew. Why should we eliminate Christmas when we can take all the good parts? After all, presents are fun. Getting drunk and Xeroxing our butts is fun, at least if we don't get caught. Highly flammable trees wrapped in damaged electrical wires are fun. And pigging out is not only fun, it's downright Jew-y. So we have presents, we have parties, and we pig out around the Hannukkah Bush. My Jewish grandfather even used to dress up as Santa every year. (One time the Rabbi stopped by right as he was walking down the stairs in his Santa suit. After a few moments of awkward silence, he quipped "ho ho ho, Happy Hannukkah, Rabbi.")

So I'll tell you what, Grinch Bill. I had, as usual, a very Merry Christmas: a great dinner last night, lots of rum cut with a little egg nog, and even fun opening presents around the Hannukkah Bush. But since I did this, and I'm one of them Christmas-hating liberal secular Jews, that must not be very Christian or Christmas-y. So, since a Christian Christmas is so important to you, how about we (sane people -- Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddist, Hindu, atheist, whatever) keep all these heathen debaucheries, and you can preserve the parts you find so important. Just picture it: while we're eating, drinking, and being merry, you can arrange a cheap plastic manger built for Wal-Mart by enslaved Indonesian children, you can listen to carols as vapid as they are sappy, and you can watch sacchrine made-for-TV movies about some version of Jesus' birth not found anywhere in the Bible. Oh, yes, and you can snap "bah, humbug," at anyone who wishes you a Happy Holiday. I doubt Jesus would approve, but to each his own.

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